REPECT, DAVIN.

[esmerelda starr]

R E S P E C T
FIND OUT WHAT IT MEANS TO ME

Esmerelda sat in her silver convertable, top and windows down. She was hunched over, her head balancing against the steering wheel. How was she going to survive this day? It seemed impossible. Then again, every day for the last three weeks had seemed impossible to survive. Es closed her eyes and began to drown out any and all noise around her - the radio, the students talking as they made their ways into the school, or the sound of cars running as they passed her. After a few seconds, she was fully concentrated, and the only thing she could hear was her owm thoughts. "Okay, Es. You can do this." She muttered to herself, nodding her head. It was hard to do this, though, without Teegan. It was hard to go through school without Teegan. It was hard to shoulder pressure without Teegan. It was hard to do a lot of things without her, and it almost angered Es to think about her.

With a sigh, Esmerelda gently lifted her finger and pressed a button, her eyes focused on her lap as the top went up around her. She rowed up the windows and then sat back in the chair, running a hand through her long, straightened hair. Today, Esmerelda looked simple, and she was proud of that. All she had done was jumped into a dress, a pair of heels, ran a brush through her hair, and jumped in the car. She took several breath mints in her mouth at once and then quickly applied basic make up, blush and mascara. Then she was out of her drive way in an instant, heading to school, looking for something to keep her busy. That something to keep her busy was sit in her car and prepare herself, just like she had for the past month. Esmerelda hummed softly to the radio, not noticing the students who were gathered at the school entrance, pointing at Es's car. When she heard a knock on the side of her car, she gasped, and looked up to see...

[oliver ardagh]

davin.

i know, i'll hold this pain in my heart forever
i know, i'll hold, all eyes are on me now.

He didn't want to go. Especially not with the delivery he had gotten last night. Davin sat with the piece of paper clutched in his hands tightly, almost wanting to ball it up and throw it away. Why did they have to bring it to him? He didn't want to see this. Had everyone else gotten theirs? He looked down at the photocopy of Teegan's neat scrawl across the page and for the first time, tears just poured down his face. He wasn't going to be able to do this anymore, this whole no drugs, no Teegan, no alcohol thing. It wasn't going to last very long, he had a feeling. Not with this. He just kept re-reading it, trying to figure out why, why all of this had to happen. He had been up all morning and night trying to just figure it out. He wanted a reason and that was not given in this piece of paper. It was just empty apologies, that she was sorry for doing this, that she felt bad about it. She felt bad about leaving him here with nothing? Well, that was a lie. He had Es. Es was proving more useful than he thought upon first meeting her.

As much as he didn't want to, Davin stood and milled through his house, really aching for something to take all of this away. He was aching for anything that would make this easier but he had stopped for Es. He had promised. With a heavy sigh, he found a pair of pants and a tshirt and took them into the bathroom with him so he could change when he was out of the shower, which happened in the following ten minutes. He pulled on his clothes and grabbed a hat off of his bed and capped his head with it, slipping into a pair of Vans as well before making his way out the door, slinging his messenger bag over his shoulder. Instead of driving today, it would be a lot easier to just walk. It would give him time to air out his thoughts and be alright if he was given the time. Which he needed. So instead of getting to school as soon as he could, he took his time and just let it all pass by him. He had a lot of time to think by the time he had reached the school and spotted Esmerelda's firey shock of hair before it dissappeared behind the top of her car. He slowly made his way over and lightly tapped on the window, opening the door. "You coming in? Or are you just gonna sit there all day?" he asked, a friendly smile curving his lips.

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[esmerelda starr]

R E S P E C T
FIND OUT WHAT IT MEANS TO ME

Esmerelda had gotten that delivery. Last night, she was sitting on her bed, her stereo turned up. She had forty different nail polishes set in front of her, and she was biting down on her lip, trying to decide on which ones she was going to keep. Half of them she threw out, either because they reminded her of Teegan or they were just ugly to her. So there she was, criss cross apple sauced on her bed, staring at the basket of nail polishes when the doorbell rang. She wasn't expecting to have any visitors, so she jumped out of bed and opened the door. There was no one there, but when she looked down, she saw the pages. She quickly swooped them up and threw them onto the counter, too tired and afraid to read it then. Too damaged. Then she went into her room, turned off the music, put the nail polish back, turned off her lights, and went to bed.

This morning Es had passed it on her way out the door. She was in a hurry, her heals clicking faster than usual against her tiled kitchen floor, but she actually stopped to glance at it. That glance turnedinto a long look, and she only read about three sentences of it before she started crying again. She pulled herself together and then left it there, still on the counter, wondering if she would be strong enough to read it later. I'll answer that for you: probably not. But maybe, just maybe, if she grabbed some hot chocolate, a warm blanket, and that letter, just maybe she'd be able to read it. Once again, that didn't seem probable. Esmerelda just stared up at Davin, her eyes kind and caring. "I would if I could." She said softly, climbing out of the car and pulling her dress down. She locked the doors and then closed her eyes, taking several deep breaths. When she was done calming down, she opened her eyes and grinned at him. "Are you ready?"

[oliver ardagh]

davin.

i know, i'll hold this pain in my heart forever
i know, i'll hold, all eyes are on me now.

Davin had come to this hard, rough conclusion in his own head and it really bothered him that something like this had been crossing his mind lately. He had gone his life and worked through everything he had been faced with and now, he knew that it would have been ten times better if he would have just told everyone that tried to get close to him to fuck off. Now, he was here tangled in this mess of what he was feeling and what should have mattered most. Now there was just no point to be reaching out when he couldn't give relief to anyone or anything and he was only good for someone to make fun of and laugh at. He wasn't proud of what he had become and Teegan had been helping him work through that so that he didn't go through the rest of his entire life telling everyone that he didn't need them. Because really, he did need them. He needed someone to guide him and keep him from going down the wrong path and screwing everything up and now, instead of hearing his friend's words of encouragement, he had to read the last things she had written before she had taken her own life, so selfishly, not caring about anything anyone else needed. That had to be the answer, she didn't care that anyone else needed her. It was her choice and she made it, hurting everyone else.

He knew that he was guilty of a lot of things. He had broken down and completely capsized into this huge lake of emotions that he had never felt before. He didn't know if he was ever going to be able to come around and make sense of it all when he was so lost and hurt by the things that other people were doing. Now, he had to go home and see the suicide note left on his coffee table, the one of few things that he hadn't shattered into pieces yet. He had cleaned up a lot of other things, throwing the pieces away and making sure the splinters were vaccuumed up and not going to hurt him or anyone else who walked through his house but frankly, he really could have cared less. He needed to find a way to make this all better and by giving the only thing that made it numb up, he wasn't sure what he was going to do anymore. But he was doing it for Es because she wanted it and he knew that his life could somehow possibly be better without all of that shit in him. It was still so hard to even think about going on normally when he wasnt ready to. He hated knowing that he might not have any support system anymore. He was now turning to Es for that, not even knowing if she was willing to take on that burden. He just wanted to find a place to be comfortable anymore, instead of being the sore thumb that everyone hated and paid absolutely no attention to. He was tired of being the druggie fuck up. He wanted more of a purpose than that. He shook his head and sighed heavily. "I'm never ready," he offered, half joking, half being serious.

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